wild sage growing in the weeds

this site is acting very strangely -- idk if it's the internet, or my computer, or the site itself. none of the images are loading or anything, which is why i'm not bothering with an icon right now. or part of why, anyway.

i know sargramostim posted to twitter for me, but nobody got to the blogs, which is, i mean, that's fine because it doesn't matter all that much. i can say myself that my daughter is asleep in a basinette next to my bed -- ziazan nerea was born last night at 10:49 and weighed 7 pounds and 2 ounces and had an apgar of 8 and cried a lot. then ate a lot, then slept a lot, and i did those things too, and then we repeated the process frequently.

geraint wrote sweet things on pieces of paper in various languages, by where "sweet things" i mean "muse lyrics," and ari failed to translate stuff (& i think jay distracted her) and i have a daughter who is really small and ... really small.

and absolutely beautiful in a way where i can't imagine how anyone would think newborns are beautiful but i do anyway. that makes sense in my head. it should make sense in yours. ingenious also showed up at our place yesterday because he's psychic, or was just fairly sure as i was that it would be the next couple of days. he bribed pointe or something, anyway. (i am posting user names so people get pieces of fame or something like that – usernames except geraint's anyway because he doesn't actually USE his account except to FIGHT WITH ME ON THE INTERNET.) with paintings and souls. perfectly normal.

lots of nice people came, & some mean people, and there are massive amounts of family at my house that i am not in because instead i'm in a hospital, and i am not actually finishing this thought because i have to feed the baby destroyer of worlds.

okay, i promised a better post. here it is: in a series of mostly unrelated list-like statements (but not an ordered list, because we don't need that much order in our lives) but here nonetheless.

-- i got pregnant in late march. i have gotten used to being pregnant as a state of normal. i am very scared to have that go away, and it will fairly soon, because i'm due on the 11th and my child being late is not likely to be something that happens. i was prepared for months & months early ... i'm not prepared for late and it's not likely, anyway.

-- the entire world is currently staying in our townhouse. well, no, the entire world is frequently here during the day, anyway. my dad, bridget, jake, cean, geraint's parents, paz and alia, jay and arien and esther, the rest of the band, nat, noah, my memory is starting to fail me about who's still here but that's a lot of people anyway ...

-- i'm absolutely, totally, bugnuts terrified of having a child. i'm not sure i'm scared of having a baby, and i'm not scared of giving birth, but i am really afraid of being a parent. just to get that out there. everyone tells me i'll be a great one, and i'm not sure what to think of that - and am also afraid of the change in my lifestyle and the change in our relationship. just to get that out there.

-- furthermore, we have done so much shopping, and i wish i had the energy for a picspam but it's really hard to even hold the computer too well.

-- i've mostly forgotten what i wanted to say. pregnancy amnesia should be gone right now, but i'm really feeling the flake here.

-- there are other concerns i have that don't suit a public forum. to satisfy the public, said concerns have nothing to do with stardom or sex. or the fact that pete wentz and gerard way are having kids around the same time as me. fuck, half my friends are having kids at the same time as me, so that doesn't bother me. (no, nobody in the band is pregnant.) having no music playing right now and being unable to stretch that far bothers me a lot more.

-- no, really, i don't know what i was saying. there was so much of it, and now all of it's gone. i haven't really posted since july, let's see: we redecorated geraint's office for his birthday. i got bigger and the baby grew. there were some shows. there was a pretty good interview with a sweet dude named grey lester, and i hope we get to hang out with him again sometime. we've moved some stuff around. and made some new friends. and hung out and made some music. with some old friends.

-- um, for now i think i give up, considering i can't remember anything else.

-- except for that the shopping was fantastic despite my discomfort, but did you know the caldor closed? :(

-- also i never obtained pregnancy icons and my pregnancy will be over soon enough. which is sort of silly of me, really. maybe there will be another pregnancy someday. and my kid's going to be damn photogenic, so. y'know. there'll be plenty of pictures.

-- I MISSED MY BIRD. daddy brought him over.

oh, my fuck has it been a long time since I've thought of posting anything. The fact that I'm using my phone is probably really obvious because of its tendency to do things like add capitals where I wouldn't. Which makes me feel like I'm turning into geraint, except he wouldve capitalized his name and I didn't bother because I never bother with the shift key. That's just a standard aspect of my personality. I am also not as grammatically precise; my husband doesn't know the meaning of "being lazy on the internet," really.

(He does understand "being lazy," he's asleep next to me.)

Recently I got a twitter and failed to use it much, either. I have also majorly failed at keeping track of my pregnancy. I could give birth any time now. There are six billion* people here staying in my townhouse.

Damn but it hurts to type on this - both of my wrists have just given out and so a better update actually must happen later.

I HAVE JUST HEARD THAT CHRIS CORNELL OPENED FOR LINKIN PARK

AMAZING BEAUTIFUL LOVE OF MY LIFE PERFECTION TO MY EARS

OPENED

FOR

THAT

WHERE IS THE QUALITY GOING

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD

HOW AM I BRINGING A CHILD INTO IT

( survey more )

my mother was declared braindead on may third, 1987, and this year i -- i forgot. i didn't do anything. didn't light a candle, didn't stop and think about this woman i never knew, didn't ask my father to tell a story, nothing. geraint was sick and i was upset and then i went with mike and 'lee michel and kaylee to the concert and just ... forgot.

i wasn't even there with dad; i didn't even call him. wtg, claire.

anyway.

i am eight weeks and four days pregnant.

i am twenty-one years old.

i still do not care that it's cinco de mayo. i wish i could fucking drink on my own twenty-first. i'll drink in january.

( baby development shit, because some people care )

so.

six weeks & six days.

i am not all that scared anymore. i am also wondering if i should put a tacky-but-cute ticker in my userinfo to be chintzy but probably won't. plus, rehearsals are basically eating me up.


the only picture of me recently i have to post is proooobably not appropriate so perhaps i'll refrain. maybe.



also, we don't talk about today.


eta: oh i forgot my point. i have a duedate now. that was the actual point.

( guess when this was taken. )

okay, so my current take is that i'm sort of iffy on pull this blanket off and otherwise consolers of the lonely (which apparently "was released on march 25" on march 24; oh wikipedia) its first runthrough is what i expected from it.

great execution.

memphis star show, now! i'm not going to try explaining how i'm getting to detroit; i may take a picture of rosebud, though. she looks awesome. also: these stones will shout is my favorite.



oh, and ps: i'm pregnant. take that, flist.

so originally, i was just going to go "okay bye" in a text box here and leave it at that; instead, i think i'll say that i have not been able to stop singing fastball when no one is looking at me in a long time. also that there aren't any roads here, just canals, and so i'm not all that interested in going outdoors, and also that it's march twelfth now.

so i've been married for three days, unless it's five, and feel exactly the same!

just in case anyone was curious. a lot more tired, because instead of sitting in the studio i keep like, going out and doing things and having a life and i've also never been on a vacation before and it's only been not even 24 hours that we've been in wherever-this-is near somewhere else that's near a third place, but it's really terribly nice here and on the other hand i'm not going to get used to it at all. because it's too nice, quite possibly!



traveling without everyone else feels really weird, anyway. but i think you'll live. some of you are off doing amazing things anyway. i just haven't written anything in a day and have barely gotten a chance to sing, which feels incredibly odd.

okay, so what doesn't?


this was a lot longer than i meant.

subway outage, your timing, my father greatly appreciates it.


and honestly, if you didn't know this next one was coming, you haven't met me at all.




listen, everybody, look – i don't know what you're waiting for, a wedding – what's a wedding? a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is maybe the most horrifying word i ever heard of, which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, which he should –

thanks a bunch, but i'm not getting married.

go have lunch.

it's new.

( under this cut )



that's all.

(also my icon has nothing to do with this post.)

why am i always the one who has to do the press kit? seriously, i am getting so sick of press kits even if they are mostly undying praise of how awesome we are; it's still press kit this press kit that press kit press kit why is your press kit not updated why don't you get a sonic ePK (answer: contract problems) – and we have interviews and everything coming up.

apparently they require a press kit despite the fact that we're, y'know, right there.


although our album names are amazing, and hey, we have one a year since the production of our first one. this makes us super great.

i quote:

DISCOGRAPHY:
* Anthracoceros (2004)
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim (2005)
* The Laptop Demos (recorded 2003, released '05)
* Rule of Capture (2006)
* Sidewalk Fried Shoes – Studio (2007)
* Sidewalk Fried Shoes – Live Edition & Covers (DVD due 2008)


now i'm off to chicago to kill someone. and not try to think about my solo kit or my wedding.

so we're watching csi:ny on the plane, right.

and the guy?

died of crush asphyxiation. by a serial robber. LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A SERIAL CRUSHER, FOLKS.




ahahaha. wow. "the tux logged on and rendered our firewall insecure." i want one of those when the tour's over. (cady just said "this from the girl whose boyfriend is a wireless port.")

CLAIRE, THROUGH THE AGES.

( pre-claire, james and ... claire )

( age ten )

( age twelve )

( age fourteen, which has been posted before )

( age sixteen )

( age eighteen, one of roland's projects )

there are like 20940395345 more but i can't find all of them right now! so this is uh. a few.

1. i changed my userinfo because i wanted my statement of life to be there. i ♥ sark.

2. ( photo courtesy roland [nudity & funky contrast] )

i however, am just not shameless at all.

notes taken as i keep checking things off: the lapdance purchase was inspired by this test, the formal gathering was not a meeting of newhaven's legislature (i would not mind changing this in the future, honestly – there was one incident where there was just the one guy in the room and he didn't leave ...), i don't know if anyone's masturbated to nude pictures of me though i'm willing to assume they have (& i know about that one topless picture hilary sent lint, so we'd know what she'd answer to that question – hi, feathers, honey, i do love you), i live at my place of employment, i get watched masturbating a lot but i never exactly know when (... don't ask if you don't know), i can't say i'd have managed an entire day but i have done shows with an attached sexual device, i don't want to talk about telling people i love them when i don't, ... ahahaha back massages, LOOK A BOX I CAN'T CHECK I'M SO EXCITED, maybe i'll be able to prove i'm actually straight but comfortable, the dungeon in my living space was here before i was, i didn't push the tattoo but he wanted to do it, the bodybag wasn't sexual, i just don't have any comments on the submission stuff (i'll make some if anyone asks) except for "LOL", the third question in fucking sick makes me smile, me and sadism have an interesting relationship, i should make eva take this test, claire/piercings otp, we don't talk about my second cousin.

( there, i'm done. )

oh, the straightness score makes me happy.

okay, so here's the story. unedited and including really mostly everything. so now i've told it – geraint won't be able to read it unless he actually gets a journal, but there you go.

patrick mccrae. 'trick.' i won't include a photo because i don't have any anymore. he was the best damn stage manager in the city indie music scene thing, and everybody wanted him. and i wanted him for his green-gold eyes and punk beatles hair and pretty hands and high cheekbones and quiet, mysterious disposition. for myself as well as my band. i got both. somehow. i don't really know. i didn't deserve any of it. i was 18, he was 19, and i was a false sort of sweet and he was a real sort of sweet and i wasn't his type and he was mine.

i told him i loved his perfect long eyelashes while staring into his eyes. i told him his hands were beautiful while sucking on his fingers. i pretended to worship him in a slow, gentle way that was entirely unlike me, and that was likely how i got his attention for longer than a second. i hadn't expected to keep him much longer. he felt great, and he was great, beautiful, perfect, sincere, intense – and somehow despite my being me we stayed together. and somehow despite his being everything it wasn't enough.

fiona apple wrote a song that suits the rest of this story. "criminal." look up the lyrics, it suits; i fucked with him. a lot. i loved him but i wasn't in love with him. i said i was. i wanted him to keep loving me and worshiping the ground i walked on and treating me how i treated him when we first met. i loved what he said to me and what he gave to me and how he touched me and treated me like i was everything. in turn, i cheated on him. i talked trash about him. and to his face i said i loved him.

i found teasing him, playing with him, using him – i found it fun. i regret it more than i regret anything else i've ever done.

he proposed.

i said yes.

he smiled and said now he really knew how much i loved him.

a week later, i folded. broke down. told the truth. because it hurt to see how happy he was with my lies. i gave him back the ring.

we haven't spoken since.

i see him, sometimes. i don't look at him long. he doesn't look at me ever.

he hides behind those eyelashes that are still perfect.

1. Who was the last person to call you baby?
um. god, i don't know. i vaguely remember a "claire, baby, come here" – so it was probably my father. geraint does not call me that or any derivative of it ... i am usually 'my love' when i am not 'claire.'

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
yes, when i used to go to grocery stores. :( i still do on occasion, but not very often. but in the city it's hard not to return your cart, it isn't like there's a parking lot to worry about.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
i would do quite a bit more than kiss him, were i given the time and circumstance, medically and otherwise, were actually on my side.

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
but of course, and i have sung to many people.

5. Do you play Sudoku?
no, it's distracting and i prefer to write music in the margins of things if i don't want to pay attention. numbers are best used to be signaling times.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
oh, that'd be easy. "hey, paz, want to come get me out of here? <3 <3 <3" only i don't think i'd speak the hearts. but the point remains.

7. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?
tell him prometheus is right, he is a wanker. :|

8. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
geraint. though it is really somewhat his bed that i kind of inherited, we didn't buy it together or anything. which is a terribly literal interpretation.

9. Who do you text the most?
cady, easily. because she is less comfortable with talking on the actual phone than with text messages.

10. Who last said they loved you?
geraint, in his sweet pre-sleep haze last night. after saying something along the lines of "are you finally coming to bed yet?" and reaffirming how hard it is to sleep in our bed without me. words that just made me melt a little, down to the plural possessive and everything.

11. What color are your eyes?
brown. okay, i 'fessed up, they're really brown. they look blue, though! trick of the light and geraint's hand and contacts.

12. How tall are you?
five feet and four inches without heels.

13. Do you like your parents?
i love my dad and i miss my mother.

14. Do you secretly like someone?
i like people. i don't like people in secret. and if you mean 'like' as in 'attracted to' ... the people i'm attracted to know it. i make sure they know it. (i read something somewhere that says having crushes is apparently good for a relationship. i think this is a fantastic thing. rue seemed violently ill.)

15. Why did your last relationship end?
because i moved to newhaven and didn't tell him. and then instead of seeing him on my birthday i spent the evening visiting cady and heath and then all night letting geraint fuck me instead, to be perfectly honest. it was entirely my fault and i am fully responsible &c &c.

16. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
my father.

17. Favorite ex?
seeing as how i have only had four actual relationships, mark. i think my favorite ex-fuckbuddy is mike, though. so i've answered two questions.

16. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
uh. france. i think.

17. Do you like mustard?
yes.

18. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
i like being around when other people are eating less than i like eating things myself. (as opposed to eating myself, which is the first thing this said.)

19. Do you look like your mom or dad?
i think a little bit like each? i'm obviously dad's daughter; i've only seen a few pictures of my birth mother.

20. How long does it take you in the shower?
fifteen minutes if i'm in it alone. more like an hour if geraint weasels his way in.

21. Can you do splits?
yep.

22. What movie do you want to see right now?
uh, "american gangster" i think is coming out soon.

23. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
stayed holed up in a room in the waldorf-astoria with all my nearest and dearest having a private party. i am pretty sure i was actually in the middle of sex when they year changed. i was not awesome enough to actually orgasm at 12:01 or anything, but it was a nice thought.

24. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
is this a movie? i've never heard of it.

25. Was your mom a cheerleader?
no, and i wasn't either.

26. What's the last letter of your middle name?
d.

27. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
like four? to six?

28. Do you like care bears?
they are, i suppose, kind of cute.

29. What do you buy at the movies?
tickets and the occasional snack? and lemon tab, when i'm in the right city.

30. Do you know how to play poker?
yes, but it's hard to win against psychics, you know.

31. Do you wear your seatbelt?
yes. because i'm not stupid and i'm a sort of reckless driver sometimes.

32. What do you wear to sleep?
often i try to wear short satin pajamas. i usually end up losing my shirt thanks to certain people who are fond of biting necks and collarbones and are far too entertained by nipples.

33. Anything big ever happen in your town?
kind of a lot, yeah.

34. Is your hair straight or curly?
it's curly if it grows past my shoulders, which it doesn't.

35. Is your tongue pierced?
mine isn't. i wouldn't want mine to be, i sing.

36. Do you like liver and onions?
i actually do, yeah.

37. Do you like funny or serious people better?
yes.

38. Ever been to L.A.?
no. not yet. there's a wedding on the third, though ...

39. Who is on your mind right now?
no one really much. i guess geraint somewhat; also nimith, because of the dressmaking. and jay and arien because of the previous question.

40. Any plans for tonight?
a party. possibly also some kind of surprise thing; he's being shifty.

41. What's your favorite song at the moment?
how could i have a single favorite song? what? no.

42. Do you hate chocolate?
no. i like denny, too, so i am fond of chocolate.

43. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
right now? my wedding.

44. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
i used to think i didn't. then i realized that since i was thirteen i haven't not had one. so i might. i'm not sure.

45. If you could have any job what would it be?
the one i have, possibly without any of the political requirements. i want to be a musician, not the governor's wife.

46. Are you easy to get along with?
i also used to think not? but now i'm friends with like. most of newhaven. which is not a small place. though most is pushing it. but people keep becoming friends with me very quickly, and so i guess i'm not.

47. What is your favorite time of day?
i'm not really sure.

48. Are you a generally happy person?
no. i should be, but i'm not.

this ipod loses at shuffle, i've been nimith's pincushion for a while now aaand i bet geraint has been watching, and laughing, and not admitting to any of it at all.

(also apparently fabric feels pain, but rarely, and ironing boards don't mind being used as pincushions while not being used as ironing boards. i don't know what happens when they are.)